Nowhere to go and nothing to seek!

Question- I have too many questions jamming my thought traffic...My marriage is a great failure...Caz my husband hated me...He was never happy to be with me...He refused to have kids...I was left with 2 options...Either leave him or leave the desire of motherhood...Now I choose to leave motherhood...But it's very harsh n was never able to cope with it. Years passed.....I always felt empty.....Some hidden pain...Rejection...Frustration...Now... I don't have an attachment for him....M just here....N he is now trying to build relation.....But my mind and heart r too cold.....M having nothing...Nor love...Nor blame for him. But a deep pain keeps on poking...

    Going away from him makes me happy n light...But m not strong to leave him n security of this family...In great turmoil.....

Ikkyu- Every marriage is a great failure, yours is not exceptional. If it is not a failure, it is not marriage. In life, everything depends on interpretations, how you interpret a situation. No man is happy is with the woman he is living, in fact, we are never happy with what we have, happiness is always out there, somewhere in the distant future. So, please don't blame marriage for your unhappiness. Happiness doesn't depend on anything. It is an art to be happy. If you know the art, you can be happy even when you are in hell. Otherwise, I have seen people weeping and wailing in heaven. 
He might have deprived you of motherhood, but he cannot deprive you of being a mother. Motherhood has more to do with the heart than giving birth to a child. I see most of the women who have given birth to a child are anything but a mother, they are merely a nurse. They are quite stone-hearted.  

The second thing, 'don't ever take any decision while you are in a negative state of mind. Make it a rule in your life. A decision taken in the negative state of mind will lead you to further negativity. The emptiness that you are feeling in your heart, is not something to be afraid of. It is your real nature. No matter what you do, you can't fill it. It is a bottomless abyss. Nobody has yet been able to fill it. Though, right from the outset, man has not left even a single stone unturned to fill it. Somebody wants to fill it with food, and someone else wants to cover it with money, power, sex, children, entertainment. But everybody fails. The more successful you become, the more empty you feel. Nothing fails like success. The only way to fill this emptiness is to accept it. It is your real nature, how can you get rid of your nature. This emptiness is you. If you fight with your nature frustration is bound to happen. You are trying to achieve the impossible. 
Accept life as it is. Don't resist anything whatsoever. Don't judge your situation; don't think in the terms of right or wrong. There is nothing right or wrong, everything depends on our outlook. Take fact as a fact only. You are not unhappy because of the situation. You are unhappiness is because of 'shoulds' in your life. 'He should not do that, it should not be like this, it should happen in this way.' Drop all 'shoulds' from your life. You will be at peace. 
Let me tell you a story. An old man was living with his son at an abandoned fort on top of a hill, and one day he lost his horse. The neighbors came to express their sympathy for his misfortune, and the old man asked ” How do you know this is bad luck? ” A few days afterward, his horse returned with a number of wild horses, and his neighbors came again to congratulate him on his stroke of fortune, and the old man replied, ” How do you know this is good luck? ” With so many horses around his son began to take to riding, and one day he broke his leg. Again the neighbors came around to express their sympathy, and the old man replied, ” How do you know this is bad luck? ” The next year, there was a war, and because the old man’s son was crippled, he did not have to go to the front. And the neighbor... 
Going from one relationship to another won't change much, it's like going from one jail to another, in the transit you might feel good for a while, but that won't last long.  

Question- Is this world impure??....why is it that all teachings say we should abandon worldly pleasures???..... Why r we in this world???....r we impure???? If so why...what is purity????

Eating non-veg, smoking, drinking alcohol....r these making us impure....?

Then what about animals????

Ikkyu-   This world is neither impure nor pure. It all depends on what we think of it. For instance, if one thinks SEX is a sin, it becomes sin. If one thinks Sex is a virtue, it becomes a virtue. 

So then, it not the world, it is the Man/Woman. If you are impure whatever you do becomes impure. And if you’re pure, whatever you do becomes pure. Now the question comes what makes a man/woman pure or impure? And the answer is 'awareness/mindfulness'. Anything that you can do with awareness/mindfulness is the virtue. What is awareness? Being in the moment! Try it sometimes, if you smoke, try to smoke with awareness. Go slow with the act, as they say in Zen 'Hurry slowly'. Generally, we do everything mechanically, now do it with awareness. Enjoy and love what you are doing. If you can do so, even drinking alcohol, smoking or sex will become a virtue.  And, mechanically even if you worship God, that is a sin. 

If you smoke with awareness, one day you will find that you simply cannot smoke. This will happen on its own. 

Question- So.....does it means being aware is more important...then...is it possible for anyone...I mean no Sadhana???

        And how come any desire will subside by awareness.....means as your example says...if we smoke becoming aware of it...smoking desire will subside.

Ikkyu- Yes, It is the most important thing, everything else is secondary. Yes, it is possible for anyone and everyone...It demands nothing but little alertness, little attention...Awareness means being with the act like when you are eating, only eat...but generally we don't do that while eating we go on thinking about past or future, talking with friends, watching TV..We never pay attention to the food we are eating, we don't chew it enough, we don't relish the taste...we don't appreciate it...Same is the case with everything. We are always in a hurry...When we are in the temple we think of the shop, while at the shop we think of the Temple. 

With awareness, desire does subside, because out of totally there is freedom. If we do something with totality, we become free of that thing...with total involvement comes total satisfaction, and satisfaction liberates us. If you live with totality, your all desires will disappear; you will be left with only a few needs. Sex is the need, but all the time thinking about it is a perversion. Food is the need but thinking about mouth-watering food all the time is a perversion. 

A man of awareness lives with his need, and a man who lives life like a robot lives for his greed. Existence can fulfill your need but greed. Don't try to get rid of desire, live all your desires with the awareness they will die one day without any repression. 

Question- It's so confusing....culture in which I was taught me that eating non-veg, having sexual desire, having any desire n attachment.....is all sin....everything is impure....n we r always committing sin...

       Then suddenly...I never understood why....but my thoughts started questioning....as in what if I eat this...or what if I feel attached.....

         N now I feel these concepts must be clear for my peace...

Ikkyu- Unless we are made to feel guilty, we can't be exploited. Society wants to enslave us. That’s why it creates conflicts in us. Anything we enjoy is labeled with 'sin'. And once you're convinced that you are sinner, you can very easily be manipulated and exploited.   

Question- Is there any such thing as past birth?

If no then why do we connect with someone unknown easily and someone not connected?

What is death???

Why are we told that all Karma's will be calculated after death???

Ikkyu- No there is no such thing as a past life. However, few enlightened masters used it as a device to create urgency in his followers. No one is unknown to us; we are different branches of the same tree. 'I am what you are, you are what I am.' There are 3 constructive lies that we are told

1. You are 'doer'.

2. ‘A’ is different from the’ B’, Hence, ‘A’  is ‘ A’ and ‘B’ is  ‘B’, Therefore, ‘A’ cannot be’ B’ and ‘B’ cannot be ‘A’.  

3. You will be punished for bad and awarded for good- hell and heaven.

Law of Karma is a big lie. Life is not an Indian judiciary system. If you put your finger in the fire, will it get it burnt in this life or next life? When you eat, you feel satiated in this life or will you feel it in the next life?

'Death' is an illusion so is birth. We are never born and we never die. We believe in the separate existence of 'things' that's why we experience 'death'. If waves think of itself independent of the ocean, it will die...but that is an illusion not of reality. A Wave is inseparable; it is nothing but the ocean itself.

Question- When do we feel complete...? Why is it that I always feel a lacuna...Something missing...Though I have all...

I feel as if I m searching for something...

What is Zen??

Ikkyu-  There is an Urdu Sher,  "आ की तुझ बिन इस तरह ए दोस्त घबराता हूँ मैं, जैसे हर शय में किसी शय की कमी पाता हूँ मैं" 

That which is missing is the real 'I' the 'SELF/Atman'. I used to have the same feeling 15 years back.  

Initially, I thought it is 'love' that is missing in my life, I found love, and for the time being that feeling of 'missing something' disappeared. But soon it came back, in fact, it had never gone anywhere. It has been there as the stars in the sky. Then I thought, maybe 'money', and I earned that too. Nothing changed. I went from one thing to another, one person to another; from one Guru to another...I fervently sought my 'missing me' everywhere and in everyone. Seeking had become an inevitable part of my life. I walked on every path but reached nowhere. 

Realizing the futility of what I was doing, one day I stopped all my searching and seeking. Now I am living my life to the fullest. Nowhere to go and nothing to seek!

Let me tell you a Story, it may tell you what Zen is. When Bankei was preaching at Ryumon temple, a Shinshu priest, who believed in salvation through the repetition of the name of the Buddha of Love was jealous of his large audience and wanted to debate with him.

Bankei was in the midst of a talk when the priest appeared, but the fellow made such a disturbance that Bankei stopped his discourse and asked about the noise.

"The founder of our sect," boasted the priest, "had such miraculous powers that he held a brush in his hand on one bank of the river, his attendant held up a paper on the other bank, and the teacher wrote the holy name of Amida through the air. Can you do such a wonderful thing?"

Bankei replied lightly: "Perhaps your fox can perform that trick, but that is not the manner of Zen. My miracle is that when I feel hungry I eat, and when I feel thirsty I drink."