'I don't enjoy earning money.'(Old office diary)

Date- 20/02/2014, Place- Mumbai 

"If I was drowning in the ocean and had to choose just one novel out of all the millions of novels in the world, I would choose Anna Karenina. It would be beautiful to be with that beautiful book. It has to be read and read again; only then you can feel it, smell it, and taste the flavour. It is no ordinary book." -Osho

For some days, I have just been watching movies, first watched 'Zindagi Na  Milegi Dobara, then, 'Do Bigha Zameen', and today I finished watching 'Godfather-II', last part is yet to be watched. 

 Watching movie is not possible in the office, so I keep reading something or the other. These days I have been reading 'Anna Karenina' by Leo Tolstoy. It's such a huge novel, almost 800 pages, but I have come to love this novel; it's very dramatic and intense. Anna, the main protagonist in the novel, is very vivacious; she is full of life and supremely beautiful. Now I know why Osho loved this novel so much. This novel is a work of art, each line makes you think and think deeply, it goes deep inside you. 

   “He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.” ― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

   

                                                     'Anna Karenina' by Leo Tolstoy

In the office, I am not being given new work; my boss has not been turning up to the office for many days, only God knows what he is up to..!! I fear I may lose my job. Though I am bored with what I am doing, yet I would like to stay at my job for sometimes. A part of me always keeps telling me to leave the job and take rest for some months. Since 2002, I have been very busy, earlier I was busy with my study, then work. Now, I need some gape, and I think now I can have some free time, as I don't have any major responsibility on my shoulder. 

I am very much aware of the fact that it's time to make money, I am not supposed to take rest at this age. But I don't know why I don't enjoy earning money. My sir is not keeping well, he has asked me to write biographies on his behalf and has offered me 50% of the amount he gets for a bio, but I am not writing. I have plenty of free time; I come back home around 7 in the evening and sleep around 2 at night, I can easily complete a bio in two or three days, but only Jesus knows why I don't write. 

In all its likelihood, on 8th of the coming month, I will go to my native place; I am looking forward to going there. It's been really long, since Nepal I have not visited my family. 

These days everything is going smoothly barring my job, however, I am not very much worried about it. 

Sometimes I do get upset because of sir's ill health. Whenever I go to see him I feel immense pain in my heart. 

Lately, I have observed that I have developed escaping tendency. I never pay my bills on time. I always pay them after due day with late charges. In the office, I never complete my work before the deadline, unless I feel 'now I will be fired from the job', I don't submit my work.' I carry the same attitude with many things. I always keep contradicting myself. Sometimes, I say 'I want this, but in the same breath, I say I don't want it.' I am never sure and certain about what I want and what I don't want. Most of the time, I feel restless for no known reason. I have developed devil may care attitude with so many things. 

                                                      This is it....enough for today.